I wish I could stop crying
Man..it has been years since I've actually cried....I mean years before this Year.
Now....all I seem to do is cry.
The tears are not healing. They just get worse.
I love my husband..and yet..I hate him. I hate the way he makes me feel.
I hate the way he will not listen to me...I hate the way he is 'killing' himself.
He is so sick..and he won't get help.
But he will drink. Oh Yes.....Beer and Rum seem to make him feel better.
And, so..I drink too...Rum..not Beer...hate Beer.
And, so..we are a happy couple.
Sometimes we say Good Morning..and sometimes we say Goodnight..but that's about all we ever say to each other.
Oh, wait..that's not right..sometimes he will say "Have you seen my keys?" or "Have you seen my glasses"....or...."I'll be out in the Barn".
The Barn being a place he has set up for himself so he doesn't have to be in the House with me.
He has a couch, a table and chairs, a Fridge, a TV, a Microwave....only thing lacking is a Bathroom.
So, sometimes I see him running in to use the Toilet.
And, so now as I approach 65...and my husband is very sick...I am thinking of leaving him...Because he will not...Not..Not..tell the Doctor what is happening to him.
And I am too old and tired....sick and tired....of trying to make him see any sense at all.
I am beginning to hate his smug smile....his attitude..and yet the other day..when he lost the ability to speak....I was there...and we were scared.
And after I got him his Lifesavers....and his sugar went up...we held each other for the first time in months..and cried together.
But..now he's not scared anymore.
But I am.