I wish I could stop crying

I have no picture for this blog. There is no picture for this blog. I just wish I could stop crying.
Man..it has been years since I've actually cried....I mean years before this Year.
Now....all I seem to do is cry.
The tears are not healing. They just get worse.
I love my husband..and yet..I hate him. I hate the way he makes me feel.
I hate the way he will not listen to me...I hate the way he is 'killing' himself.
He is so sick..and he won't get help.
But he will drink. Oh Yes.....Beer and Rum seem to make him feel better.
And, so..I drink too...Rum..not Beer...hate Beer.
And, so..we are a happy couple.
Sometimes we say Good Morning..and sometimes we say Goodnight..but that's about all we ever say to each other.
Oh, wait..that's not right..sometimes he will say "Have you seen my keys?" or "Have you seen my glasses"....or...."I'll be out in the Barn".
The Barn being a place he has set up for himself so he doesn't have to be in the House with me.
He has a couch, a table and chairs, a Fridge, a TV, a Microwave....only thing lacking is a Bathroom.
So, sometimes I see him running in to use the Toilet.
And, so now as I approach 65...and my husband is very sick...I am thinking of leaving him...Because he will not...Not..Not..tell the Doctor what is happening to him.
And I am too old and tired....sick and tired....of trying to make him see any sense at all.
I am beginning to hate his smug smile....his attitude..and yet the other day..when he lost the ability to speak....I was there...and we were scared.
And after I got him his Lifesavers....and his sugar went up...we held each other for the first time in months..and cried together.
But..now he's not scared anymore.
But I am.
I am.

It's March...2010

It's four in Morning and once more I'm Mourning...don't want to go to bed. Easier to sleep all day...than face the day...
I did get up today..and cleaned a bathroom...washed a floor...cleaned the kitty litter..did two laundrys....folded the clothes...not put away yet.
Watched my husband sleep on the couch until around ten a.m. when the phone awoke him......he didn't say much....we don't say much.
Would be nice to hear some familiar voices....he did some shopping....and then went to his 'Barn'.
I speak to the cats..and once in a while Tuffy answers...with a nice meow.
Some sad anniversaries coming up....but..it's all the same anyway...I grieve every day anyway.....
I miss my children...and my grandchildren...and those who are no longer here....
I miss my life...my husband...who is not only fading away physically..but mentally and emotionally..he is gone from me now. He doesn't like me...but then..he doesn't like anything anymore.
So....I stay up all night and sleep all day...................and dread when I have to go out.
If I wasn't so apethetic...I might be pathetic.
I'm glad Canada won that Hockey Game...but I'm not overjoyed as I would have been in the past.
I have three new novels to read...my favorite authors....and I couldn't care less....haven't even opened them.
I did see a good movie which I enjoyed a lot....but that was only about two hours long.
Then, back to apathy.
So...as I approach the age of 65 (which I never thought I would)...things just seem to suck more!!!
So..I will end this cheerful blog now....wishing to hear the sound of a human voice....
I will sleep all day.........cause in sleep, there is peace at least.