I wish I could stop crying

I have no picture for this blog. There is no picture for this blog. I just wish I could stop crying.
Man..it has been years since I've actually cried....I mean years before this Year.
Now....all I seem to do is cry.
The tears are not healing. They just get worse.
I love my husband..and yet..I hate him. I hate the way he makes me feel.
I hate the way he will not listen to me...I hate the way he is 'killing' himself.
He is so sick..and he won't get help.
But he will drink. Oh Yes.....Beer and Rum seem to make him feel better.
And, so..I drink too...Rum..not Beer...hate Beer.
And, so..we are a happy couple.
Sometimes we say Good Morning..and sometimes we say Goodnight..but that's about all we ever say to each other.
Oh, wait..that's not right..sometimes he will say "Have you seen my keys?" or "Have you seen my glasses"....or...."I'll be out in the Barn".
The Barn being a place he has set up for himself so he doesn't have to be in the House with me.
He has a couch, a table and chairs, a Fridge, a TV, a Microwave....only thing lacking is a Bathroom.
So, sometimes I see him running in to use the Toilet.
And, so now as I approach 65...and my husband is very sick...I am thinking of leaving him...Because he will not...Not..Not..tell the Doctor what is happening to him.
And I am too old and tired....sick and tired....of trying to make him see any sense at all.
I am beginning to hate his smug smile....his attitude..and yet the other day..when he lost the ability to speak....I was there...and we were scared.
And after I got him his Lifesavers....and his sugar went up...we held each other for the first time in months..and cried together.
But..now he's not scared anymore.
But I am.
I am.

It's March...2010

It's four in Morning and once more I'm Mourning...don't want to go to bed. Easier to sleep all day...than face the day...
I did get up today..and cleaned a bathroom...washed a floor...cleaned the kitty litter..did two laundrys....folded the clothes...not put away yet.
Watched my husband sleep on the couch until around ten a.m. when the phone awoke him......he didn't say much....we don't say much.
Would be nice to hear some familiar voices....he did some shopping....and then went to his 'Barn'.
I speak to the cats..and once in a while Tuffy answers...with a nice meow.
Some sad anniversaries coming up....but..it's all the same anyway...I grieve every day anyway.....
I miss my children...and my grandchildren...and those who are no longer here....
I miss my life...my husband...who is not only fading away physically..but mentally and emotionally..he is gone from me now. He doesn't like me...but then..he doesn't like anything anymore.
So....I stay up all night and sleep all day...................and dread when I have to go out.
If I wasn't so apethetic...I might be pathetic.
I'm glad Canada won that Hockey Game...but I'm not overjoyed as I would have been in the past.
I have three new novels to read...my favorite authors....and I couldn't care less....haven't even opened them.
I did see a good movie which I enjoyed a lot....but that was only about two hours long.
Then, back to apathy.
So...as I approach the age of 65 (which I never thought I would)...things just seem to suck more!!!
So..I will end this cheerful blog now....wishing to hear the sound of a human voice....
I will sleep all day.........cause in sleep, there is peace at least.

Sad, Unhappy or Depressed?

This picture has nothing to do with the topic..I just like cats.
So..are you sad, unhappy, or depressed? What is the difference? I think I am starting, at the age of almost 65 to figure it out.
The easiest one to deal with is...unhappy.
Happiness is a fleeting thing! And therefore, unhappiness is a fleeting thing as well.
You can say...God..I am so unhappy...my car broke down....my hair is bad.....my kids don't call me...etc etc etc.
But, once the car is fixed, and you see your hairdresser....and at least one of your kids calls you...it's gone..you're happy.
So..we can do away with Unhappy.
So now..are you sad..or depressed? This is a tad tougher. Being depressed can make you sad..and being sad can make you depressed. But...they are not truly one and the same thing.
There is a condition called dysthymia....which is chronic sadness and goes along with depression sometimes.
The difference is...depression can be treated...sadness....deep inner sadness cannot.
So....I have come to the conclusion that I am not depressed...I am just very sad. And..I guess I always have been for some reason. I was diagnosed with dysthymia..which, to tell the truth, is the first time I had ever heard that word. There is no treatment for it. At all.
Most of the time I cover my 'condition' with what I like to call 'humour'.
Some people probably don't find it funny....but..joking around was always my armor I guess.
But the jokes are not working anymore. And I find myself getting sadder and sadder about things that happened years ago. And I find that there are some losses that I cannot seem to recover from at all.
The thing is though...the humour is being replaced now by anger...And I'm not good at handling anger...not at all.
I don't find it funny that my husband is wasting away in front of my eyes..and he is scared and angry....and taking it out on me. I realize that he is very sick.....but I am getting angry at him. I am mad at him. Not for being sick...but for thinking that I don't know how sick he is. For making me feel like I'm nothing..for making me be the 'bad' person. For making me walk around on tiptoes, afraid to offend him...for making me cry. For making me feel 'lesser' than him....
In the space of 15 minutes..he can go from.."I love you so much" to "You are a lazy slob"...
So....am I unhappy....am I depressed...am I sad?
Am I?
Anything?

What do you do?

What do you do
When the one that you love,
Decides not to fight..and just
dies.

What do you do
When the one that you love,
Fades away in front of your eyes?

How do you cope with his temper and pain?
How do you keep yourself sober and sane?
How do you look in his pain-ridden eyes?
And not cry?

Re: Last post -Short hair or Long hair?

Ok..although the short hair person is not me..obviously..let's go through the differences.

Short hair - unhappy face.

Long hair - happy face.

Short hair - grouchy

Long hair - not grouchy

Short hair - old

Long hair - same age..but looking younger (in my opinion)

Short hair - some grey

Long hair - no grey....well, that's cheating of course...I got it coloured..but! that's neither hair nor there.

This is the person who said "I thought you were going to get your hair cut"! Now tell me people...do you want my hair to look like that???? Really now.
Okay..maybe I am obsessing....but in truth I am quite amused actually.
Adios mes amigos...I will be back.
Love...Marsha....the smiling one....

A Rant

Obviously this is an old picture..taken when my hair was different. Now, I have changed my hair..it is longer..and actually styled by a very good hair styler, and coloured as well. And I like it very much.

Now...everybody (or at least, women) knows that if you get a new 'do' and someone does not like it..they don't say anything. They just pretend it does not exist. Some people who don't like it..look away quickly or try to gag silently.

But..my rambling point is this..I like my new hair do. Shown here in a not very good picture with my brother in it. Anyhoo...to get back to the rant.

My hair had gone a tad longer than it was supposed to be..and someone who has a very, very, very, very short haircut came in to visit and I mentioned I was getting my hair cut.

Wellllllllll..today..she came in and said "I thought you were going to get your hair cut". And I said, between gritted teeth "I did".

Man, this rant is not working out well..I guess you had to be here. Now, I would love to post a pic of this person, who is the same age as me..but I do not dare.

Suffice it to say...well...just suffice it.

Man.....I like my hair..so to all those out there who do not like it.....don't look!

Easy-peasy.

Man...if this wasn't a public forum...oooooohhhhhhhhhhh.

I hate sarcasm..unless it's funny.

Well, that's my rant.....not very coherent, but that's it.

Moral of the story is..if you do not like my hair tough! Jim and I love it!

Ciao mes amigos....

Marsh with the Auburn Shiny Hair.

A totally non-informative blog!

Hmm..just started this blog when Coro St came on...so I will type in the Commercials. The picture on the left is one that was drawn by my daughter many years ago..on a very old computer. But I keep it, because I love it. (Does not mean that I am dancing.)

My commentary on summer has apparently gotten it's revenge on me. It is very hot and muggy here. Very. Hot. Humid.

We had a real live horror show here yesterday. Hard to convey the horror unless you were here. Suffice it to say....that a swarm of wasps started coming out of an outlet in our kitchen wall. Tons of wasps....angry wasps. We had nothing to spray them with, so Jim used Tire Cleaner...you know, the stuff that shines the tires on your car. Well apparently it kills wasps. But..only the first swarm...just when we thought we were safe....another swarm appeared. I would have taken a picture of them coming out of the wall outlet...but I was running away screaming. I got stung once..and it still hurts. Jim got stung three times! They wouldn't stop coming. Finally, Jim donned his jacket and got his glue gun..and glued the wall outlet to the wall. And I continued swatting and screaming. Finally it ended. I have a picture of the swept up carcasses. Now, everytime I go into the kitchen, I see those wasps crawling out from behind that wall outlet. The worst of it was...then I had to wash the whole kitchen down..to get the Tire Shiner/Cleaner off the walls, floor, table, chairs, counter...etc etc etc.

On another note.....I am in week three of my slow withdrawal from anti-depressants....in another week and a half I will be drug free! So far...I haven't killed anybody, so I figure..hey...that's good.

Well, not totally drug free... I still sleeping pills. And anti-anxiety drugs...and blood pressure drugs.....and osteoporosis drugs...but that's neither here nor there.

I want off the Anti-Depressants...and actually I feel pretty good.

No more Cymbalta, no more Paxil. If I am depressed..I will just go to bed. Best cure ever..hehehehehehehe.

Now, I am rambling...but these are the things that are going on in my life right now.

Just in case anybody is out there.

Well, Ciao for now mes amigos...

Talk later

Marsh